Nearly every lesson that God has been teaching me for the past year or so has had to do with endurance - sticking it out, being in it for the long haul, keeping going when I don't feel like going anymore. And not to worry, God also shows me that he's in it with me. That he keeps his promises. That he's walking right beside me.....
The problem is (and probably why I've been dealing with this for so long) - I'm an "instant gratification" girl. I want what I want when I want it - and I can usually get it. So this long haul stuff is pretty hard for me.
Last night as I was driving home from the desert (about a 2 hour drive), I got into this with God. Was praying about some things I've been praying about for a long time. Knowing that God keeps his promises - he's shown me that, I have no doubts - but asking, "Why does it have to take so long????" Ok, I was being whiny.... But I just don't understand sometimes why, if he has made a promise, and the promise is a good thing, why it has to take so long to come to fruition. It may be because I still have much to learn. It may be because all the "ducks" aren't in a row yet. It may have to do with another person and not even me. I don't know and may never know those answers. But I get darn impatient with the waiting and found myself very frustrated with it and venting to God last night.
And I knew what I was doing when I was doing it. I told God that I know everything works for my good. I told him that I'm not doubting that he'll keep his promises. And I told him that I'm just frustrated that things sometimes seem to be going nowhere. But I also told him that I didn't want to maintain that attitude. That I wanted to focus on his faithfulness, and not my own petulance. I asked for help for that.
It didn't come right away.
In fact, God has been reminding me he has a sense of humor again....
This morning when I was reading my weekly lesson in my TW workbook, I came across this:
"What does a mind set on the Spirit look like? It is focused on the path of God's provision, living and enjoying life purposefully in the present. It is set on the things of God, the truth of His Word, and your identity in Christ. It dwells on the affirmation of God's Word that declare your ability to do all things through Christ who lives in you." (Workbook 1, Week 6)
The statement about living and enjoying life purposefully in the present jumped out at me. When I am getting impatient, when I'm complaining that God isn't working fast enough for me, am I living in the present? No - I'm focusing on what is yet to come, and forgetting to fix my eyes on Jesus. OK God - I got that.
Then I went to church this morning and guess what our sermon topic was? "Abraham: The Challenge of Waiting"
Think God's trying to make a point here?
Our pastor talked about trials as having these purposes:
- To reveal areas of needed growth
- To strengthen our ability to trust God
- To build endurance (there's that word again!)
- To strengthen our hope
I will admit that through the last year, God has taught me many, many of these things. I've been focusing on the first bullet today - revealing areas of needed growth. Even in (or maybe especially in) my petulance, I recognize the need for maturity. Whining is not exactly the most mature response to a trial, is it? Not that God can't handle me lashing out at him once in awhile, but it's not exactly the response I
should be having.
So, here I am, still waiting, still impatient (in fact, I suspect my over-purchasing at a street fair today was a reaction to this), but at least aware that I still need to grow. God's faithfulness in this last year has strengthened my faith, strengthened my trust in him, given me ability to hope (let alone strengthen it!). I'm working on building endurance - he's shown me time and time again that quitting when times get tough is actually pointless, if not counter-productive. So I can see that I need to grow. I've been praying about that today - that I would see these areas I need to grow in, understand what I really need to learn. And that I would mature.
Our pastor went on to say that trials finish the work of faith in our lives so that we can say, "Whatever God wants me to do, I will do." I want to be able to say that.
The lesson today was about the story in Genesis where God tells Abraham to take his only son Isaac and present him as a sacrifice. This is the son that Abraham waited 99 years for. The son through which God had promised to extend Abraham's line. His only son. And yet Abraham, fully understanding what was being asked of him, didn't hesitate to obey. He did not know if God would provide an alternate at the last minute. He did not know why God had asked him to do this. But he did know that God keeps his promises.
The lesson: God knew that Abraham would do this, but Abraham didn't. It was Abraham that had something to learn through this trial, not God. Wow.
I'm resisting the urge to pray, "God, would you help me to learn this lesson, and would you help me to do it right away?" I suspect I have something to learn about how I will behave during the wait. Or how I need to behave.....