Now THIS is what it should be about!

My problem is that I keep forgetting about things like this until it is too late, but this is how I want to approach Christmas:

The Advent Conspiracy

What I'd really like to do is get my family involved - less for us, more for others, all about worship. I think I'll start praying about that now for next year.....

A bad case of Humbug.

I'm suffering from a bad case of "Bah Humbug!" this year. I get it every once in awhile. I think it's a reaction to the fact that Christmas causes more stress than peace these days. Shopping, wrapping, decorating, baking, parties, dressing up, being "on" all the time......

I love Christmas. I love everything about it - usually. I want it to be a time to focus on how much God loves me - what He did for me; I want to spend time with family and friends; I like buying gifts; love the decorations.

But it seems that the focus has gotten lost as time has gone on. It's not about celebrating Jesus, it's about who has the most decorations, buys the best gifts, goes to the most parties, hosts the best party... bleh!

This year in particular I'm having a hard time. I've had a very busy year and it's been MONTHS since I had a day with nothing planned. Always going somewhere, doing something (and I'm not complaining - I have a GREAT life). And then in the last few weeks, going up to see Marge before she died and taking care of my Mom through all of that. I don't mean to seem selfish, I really don't - I'm glad I could be there for both of them. But I'm tired. Tired of being in charge. Tired of looking after everyone else. Tired of doing what has to be done.

So this week I've been cramming - I finished making Christmas Cards (I found a really fun kit this year for making really neat 3D cards and had a blast with that), got them all addressed and ready to mail on Thursday night. Got my New Years Party invites out, and - believe it or not - last night I got ALL of my Christmas gifts wrapped (I still have a couple that haven't arrived yet, but everything that could be wrapped is wrapped!). And all of this was in anticipation of today - the first Saturday in months where I have nothing planned. I didn't have to be anywhere, I didn't have to see anyone. I had a couple of errands to run, but nothing urgent. For a change, I could sleep in, I could relax, I could do whatever I want. And I didn't have to talk to anyone about it... (I've been keeping this a secret - even from myself since I have a tendency to fill up empty time).

So what did I do?

I slept in - until 8 AM (which is late for me!)

I sat in my PJs and drank my tea, then made breakfast

I got ready - even putting makeup on (since I've been working from home lately, I've started to feel like a real slob and I didn't want to feel that way today).

I went to the post office and mailed all my cards & packages.

And then I went to Disneyland.......

I know - explain how 1 1/2 hours in traffic only to be surrounded by thousands of people in a small space is relaxing....

Well, since I've been suffering from a serious lack of Christmas Spirit, I decided that I wanted to go surround myself with it. I put on my Christmas sweatshirt (beautifully embroidered by my mom), and went down to enjoy the music, gaze at the decorations, ride a few Christmas themed rides, see a Christmas themed show. I watched little kids experiencing the magic. I saw eyes grow big when a character walked by. I saw laughter and happy faces.

It's not the true meaning of Christmas, but it allowed me to enjoy the smiles it brings to people's faces. It allowed me to let all of the last few weeks go. I had no one to look after but myself - no one else to please, no one to make sure they were having fun. I could just let go and let the atmosphere take over. And it did. Little by little, the joy of the season came back to me. I'm ready to give in to the decorations - and maybe even some baking!

I'm going to read Luke 2 tonight. And then I'm going to get out "Fifth Seal" by Bodie & Brock Thoene. Have you read any of their books? They're wonderful. I love this series in particular for its depiction of the impact that Jesus had on ordinary people; and this book tells the story of Jesus' birth. Now that is the true meaning of Christmas.

I may even dust off and decorate a tree tomorrow......

Provision

These last 10 days have really been an example of the worst the world has to offer and the best that God has to offer.

I got a call almost 2 weeks ago that my step-grandmother was in the hospital. She had fallen and apparently been down for some time before a neighbor found her and called 911. It took me more time than I care to admit to realize I needed to get up there - so I left on Wednesday to go up to my Mom's, then we left Thursday AM to get up to Marge's (Marge is my Step-grandma). It's about a 12 hour drive total from my house.

On Wednesday, while I was on my way up, my Mom got the call that Marge had been moved to ICU and was on life support. They said they'd try to keep her alive until we got there. Mom and I got up before dawn on Thursday and headed out.

There was, admittedly, a lot to deal with. Marge had been difficult enough when my Grandfather was alive. I don't think anyone realized how difficult she was until after he passed. She had told all sorts of stories to her friends about how the family hadn't lifted a finger to help her (not true), but then this is the same woman who will tell anyone that would listen that diabetes (which she had) was caused by Mexican Food & Chinese Food, not sugar. So, reality was not her strong point.....

Anyway, one of her friends had not been able to reach her, so went to her house to check on her, peeked through a window and saw her laying on the floor and called 911. For this, we will forever be grateful. We are not sure what day Marge was admitted to the hospital. We got a call on Monday. By Tuesday night I had decided I needed to get up there, but couldn't get myself out the door until Wednesday afternoon.

When we got up to the area, we called the friend who had found Marge and talked to her daughter, Laura. We got the strangest reception from Laura, who told us not to go near Marge's house and to talk to Marge's attorney for any other questions. Huh?? We were planning to stay at the house and thought that was odd. So we went to the house, talked to a couple of Marge's neighbors to let them know we were there (they were all very nice) and went into the house with a key that Mom had, just to check it out (we knew the paramedics had had to break in, but did not know if there was a broken window that would need repaired or what). The house seemed intact, and we noticed Marge's purse was not there. As we left to go to the hospital, Mom locked 2 locks on the front door (only the bolt lock had been locked when we went in). That turned out to be a mistake as the bottom lock was so rusted we could not get back in for the rest of our time there, and ended up staying at a hotel. (The lawyer wasn't very friendly when we called either, telling us she couldn't talk to us until Marge had died).

When we got to the hospital, Marge was in ICU, on a ventilator, and unresponsive. The doctor gave us a rundown of her condition and it wasn't good. She had had a heart attack at the hospital sometime in the last 2 days, so the machine was breathing for her, her heart wasn't good, but other body systems seemed to be hanging on.

The doctor warned us that we had a decision to make about keeping Marge on the ventilator, which was keeping her alive. We asked for time to talk to family about it. Everyone in that little small-town hospital was unbelievably nice and gracious and they told us to take whatever time we needed and talk to whoever we needed.

My cousin Karen is a trauma nurse, and we spent a lot of time on the phone with her, passing on vital statistics, trying to understand what we were seeing, getting advice. My mom was the only one of her sisters who was close with their father, so none of my cousins knew my Grandpa or Marge. Karen was trying to help as much as she could, and was feeling bad for not being there, but she was such a blessing. With her skills in nursing, ability to tell us what the numbers meant, what she would expect to see, what we could expect, she was such an unbelievable blessing.

We went to a hotel that night (having by then figured out we had locked ourselves out of the house) and talked about what to do. Neither of us was comfortable "pulling the plug" if it was only Marge's respiratory system that was failing. Her other body systems seemed to be working, although we did not have details on her heart condition (this was a small rural hospital, and the most technical we could get was that her heart was "a mess"). We had watched the heart monitor and she had normal sinus rhythm during that day, so as far as we could see, her body was functioning.

We prayed most of that night - neither of us sleeping well. We had also sent out notices to as many people as we could think of asking for prayer. We needed clarity - a good understanding of what to do, as well as help with the issues with the friends, the house, etc.

The next morning when we arrived at the hospital, Marge's eyes were opened. The nurses had taken her off the sedation (this is standard procedure so they can check her responsiveness) and when we went in and took her hands, she appeared to recognize us - and even be surprised we were there. She was trying to talk, and started fighting the tube down her throat (a normal reaction) so the nurses turned the sedation back on. Before it took effect, we told her we were there, we loved her, and tried to talk to her about Jesus.

All through that day, she would wake up (she had not so much as stirred the day before) and the doctor told us he had expected to find her in kidney failure that morning and instead her kidneys were working a little better. She was just obstinate enough to try to prove everyone wrong. He asked us again about our decision and Mom and I both shook our heads - isn't it obvious? She was awake! And doing a little better. Why would we take her off the respirator now??? The doctor told us again (he had said this before) that the "outcome would be the same either way." He was telling us she was dying, but our eyes were telling us something different.

We went out to the car and called my cousin. She couldn't give us a full evaluation, not being there and not being able to see Marge for herself, but she also couldn't tell us necessarily that Marge was improving. Both Mom and I were firm - we cannot take her off the ventilator if she is showing improvement. We stayed most of the day. Marge woke up a few times and we always took her hands and talked to her, telling her we loved her. We didn't see that spark of recognition the rest of the day, although she would always make eye contact. She didn't try to talk again.

Mom and I are both fully convinced that the incident that morning was a gift from God. Whatever else was going on in her body at that time, God gave her the ability to know we were there for that moment. It was a moment I will treasure.

Back at the hotel Friday night and still trying to figure out what was the right thing to do, we called my step-brother, who is a sheriff (not in the same county where Marge lives). We talked to him about our rights regarding the house and Marge's purse (which we had confirmed the hospital didn't have). He told us that as next of kin, we absolutely had rights, suggested we talk to the police department in town, but that we should have no trouble calling a locksmith and going into the house. That night I also read the paperwork my Mom had about the Power of Attorney for Healthcare. Marge had assigned one of her friends (not the same one who found her) as her POA and my Mom was an alternate. When all of this started and we called the friend to let her know we were on the way up, she went right over to the Lawyer's office and said she didn't want to have anything to do with making these decisions. Another door opened - we had not been sure if we would have trouble with this friend too. Instead, she was nothing but loving and supportive.

On that form, I found a section where Marge had specified not wanting artificial life-saving measures. She did not want to be put on a ventilator. While it was too late - she was already on it, it brought back up the question about whether we should take her off. One of the big questions had to do with Marge's level of understanding. She only had a 3rd grade education and did not understand many things. Did she understand what she was specifying? We toyed with talking to her lawyer about that (we tried, but were not able to). But that weighed heavily on our minds.

The next morning back at the hospital - we walked into a surprise - Marge was breathing on her own. Still on the ventilator, but she was now breathing over it - it was in "assist" mode instead of breathing for her.

But, she was unresponsive. Eyes open and they would still look towards someone who came near here, but no recognition, no attempts to talk, no response when someone talked to her. Her kidneys and other systems were still holding up. The doctor asked us again - He said now was the time to take the tube out and try to let her breath on her own. Our choice at this time was, if she can't handle it, do we want them to re-intubate her? We showed him the POA form and he confirmed - we had already violated it (not intentionally - she had been intubated before anyone had seen the form). We still weren't sure what to answer, so again we asked to talk to family and pastors. We talked to my cousin, who said that re-intubation would be very traumatic for her, and she may not survive it. She also told us what would happen when they took the tube out - which was helpful. We could not reach my mom's pastor, but I was texting and Facebooking - asking people to pray. Then the doctor sent the respiratory therapist in to talk to us. This woman was another gift from God. She spent what felt like hours with us, answering our questions, explaining what was happening, listening to us talk about Marge and my Grandpa and things that were almost totally unrelated to what was going on. She explained that when they took the tube out, they would give Marge an oxygen mask to help her get oxygen, and depending on how she did, they may change out masks to provide more or less support. That was helpful because we had been afraid they'd take the tube out and just leave her to try to breath on her own. She was also the first to tell us that Marge was terminal. She told us that Marge was going to die either way and that she'd be more comfortable without the tube. She may even be able to talk to us. I told her she was the first person to say that directly, and that in light of what we were seeing - what looked like improvement - what was she seeing that made her think Marge was terminal? She said part of it was 25 years of experience, and part of it was the results of the tests that had been done on Marge and she specified out some of the things she was looking at. She was so incredibly gracious and kind and helped us to understand that if Marge was going to die either way, she would be happier without the tube. It helped us to make the decision.

My cousin had advised that we not be in the room when the tube was removed, but we were able to go in right after. Marge had an oxygen mask on, and was struggling to breath. She looked at my Mom and kept her eyes on her or the respiratory therapist, who stayed there right with my mom. The nurse stayed with us in the room too, administering morphine until Marge finally relaxed. Once she relaxed and stopped struggling, it was over within minutes. Her heart stopped and breathing stopped. I think both the nurse and the respiratory therapist were surprised it happened so fast. Both seemed to think that we'd at least have the day, although not much longer than that, and that there was even the possibility that Marge might be able to talk. None of us had any idea that it would be over in minutes. Mom and I are so incredibly grateful to Aura & Cheryl (the nurse & RT), who stayed with us the whole time, explained what were were seeing, answered our questions, and just comforted us. They told us it was rare for a family to stay for this part. Most people can't handle it. And to be honest - the whole time we were in that ICU, I never saw another visitor for any of the other patients. That is so tragic to me.

Marge's passing was traumatic. It was not peaceful. She was terrified. I have tried to tell my mom that it was probably her body's autonomic response to the struggle to breath. In reality, I believe it was the fear of someone who did not know what would happen next. I don't know if she was able to understand and accept what my mom said about Jesus. And even if she did, she would have been too new a believer to know what to expect after death. I do know that I hope never, ever, ever again to have to be at the deathbed of an unbeliever as long as I live. That will haunt me for a long time. My mom and I have talked about it - we've both been praying for fuzzy memories of that week. And in God's grace, He is providing.

We left the hospital and not knowing what else to do, we went to the police department to talk about getting a locksmith out to the house. They not only supported us, they recommended a locksmith (who turned out to be wonderful). Jerry the locksmith was 78 years old and ended up having to climb into that same window over the kitchen sink that the paramedics had broken into so he could get us into the house. He then hung out and changed all the locks for us while Mom and I started collecting the family pictures and things. We knew that Marge didn't want us to have "nothin.'" She had told my Mom that. But we had confirmed with the police & lawyer (who we called after Marge passed) that it would be ok. Both had said we could take whatever we wanted from the house. We found my grandfather's banjo & mandolin and took those too. We confirmed that Marge's purse was nowhere in the house, so after finishing up with the locksmith (who would have to come back the next day to get to the garage door), back to the police station we went.

Thank God for small towns - we talked to a young whipper-snapper of an officer, who went back, found the officers who had gone on the 911 call when Marge was taken to the hospital, and they said that the 2 elderly ladies had taken Marge's purse. That confirmed it - that Laura who had told us not to go to the house and wouldn't answer our questions about Marge's purse did in fact have it. We asked the police officer to go with us to collect it. He could not do that (too busy that night) but did call Laura to tell her she needed to give it to us, and gave us his card and said if we had any trouble, to call him and he'd make that his next stop in his police car.

So we went to Laura's house (just around the corner from Marge's - we had been passing it all that time) and knocked on the door. They suddenly discovered they didn't know how to use their front door and left me standing there for 10 minutes before they finally opened the garage door, no purse in hand, talking on the phone. She asked my name, which I gave her. She turned out to have called the police to tell them the purse should go to the American Cancer Society (that's who Marge changed the will to leave everything to - we knew that) and that we shouldn't have it. I turned around and told Mom to call that officer and have him come over. The officer on the phone told Laura the same thing - she needed to surrender that purse.

That woman was so awful to us, and deep down I'm sure she thought she was protecting Marge from her "horrible" family, but really, who treats the family of a dying woman that way???? When she finally gave me the purse, she asked "Oh, do you know so & so in Alaska (they had the same last name as Marge)? I know them." Really? You're going to ask me about my relatives after this? I don't think so!!!! I just turned and walked away. We were pleased to find that the purse appeared to be intact. They had gotten Marge's keys out to collect her mail (they gave that to me also). Mom has a concern about identity theft, but I think they really just thought they were protecting Marge. And I think they're awfully deluded if they spent time with Marge, knew what kind of stories she told, but chose to believe what she said about her family (Marge's other friends didn't act like that to us). To me, it's sad. It didn't have to be that way.

The last morning, we got the garage door open and still did not find my grandfather's WWII uniform (which we had been looking for), but we did find out that Jerry the locksmith was helping a family - a mother with 4 kids, whose husband had just been killed in Iraq, so we sent all of Marge's canned & frozen foods with him for them. He was thrilled. He also asked what we planned to do with the house, so we told him we'd give his name to the American Cancer Society and see if they could work something out with him. We sure would like to see someone that nice in my Grandfather's house. It would mean a lot to us to know it was being taken care of - even though we will never see it again.

We walked the property one last time, took some pictures, said our goodbyes, and left. While I am haunted by some horrible memories, those are taking the background and what absolutely refuses to dim is the memory of all of the answered prayers. We were being prayed for and we knew it - we felt it. We praise God for praying friends. God answered those prayers so thoroughly and completely that we just almost couldn't believe it. We found doors opening (literally & figuratively) with little or no work. We had expected all sorts of heartaches and hassles because, well, frankly Marge was a cantankerous old broad and had alienated a lot of people. Instead, with one exception, we found people who absolutely bent over backwards to be gracious and kind to us. Mom had some things she really wanted to be able to keep of my Grandfathers, some of which we hadn't found when we searched the house. When we called the American Cancer Society, the gentleman we talked to unequivocally said we could have those things and he would help us work it out (we were willing to pay for the 1 thing that would have monetary value - he never even asked). The mortuary has been a blessing, the Fiduciary hired by the Cancer Society has been as nice as can be. I have ended up making most of the arrangements (an education for me) and really could not have had an easier time. I will leave this experience not remembering an angry sad old woman, but a whole lot of amazing people. Through the pictures I took from the house, I have revisited memories of my Grandpa & Marge - from days long ago when they were different people, fun days, happier times.

One of the things we came away with from my grandpa's garage was an old bicycle. It was probably Marge's, but looked like it had never been ridden. It was caked with dirt & rust, but there was something about it that tugged at my heartstrings and Mom & I decided to take it. I figured I could take it down here to a local bike shop and see if it could be restored. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, back at my Mom's house and after dealing with some paperwork, we needed a break and went over to a bike shop in her town to get some advice. We came home with some chrome cleaner, new tires & tubes, new brakes, and a project for Thanksgiving Day - and lots of enthusiasm.

My stepdad & I spent most of Thanksgiving day working on that bike (Mom did some work too, but was tied up with making dinner). Roger is wonderfully meticulous and you wouldn't believe the miracles he did with that chrome cleaner. We gave the bike a good cleaning, changed the tires & brakes, lubed it up and called Mom out. She is now the proud owner of a candy apple red vintage cruiser bicycle and they're as cute as can be together.

Even Thanksgiving dinner was a blessing - Mom & I had no idea how long we'd be up in Clearlake, so we had Roger order a package from the local grocery store. We had no idea what to expect, and really didn't expect much, but that dinner was delicious! And the cooking & clean up were a breeze! (I'm a little worried Mom's going to like that convenience too much!)

God provided for us in so many ways this last 2 weeks that I am yet again blown away. As the stress & horror recede, I am left with the peace of knowing we were taken care of - every single step of the way. And that is what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.

God-Incidence

Don't you just love those times when God sends you a message - a verse, a song, a comment from a friend - right exactly when you need it?

I just had one of those.

I'm working. Trying to scramble and get done one of the 10,000 things I'm supposed to have done today (and probably one of the 2 things that will actually get done today). I just sent a note off to my boss that another manager has been threatening to go to him because I'm behind on my work, which impacts her staff. I'm not really worried about that, because I've already told him that myself. But this particular manager is a real troublemaker, I suspect she's trying to "protect' her own people, who have told me she thinks all PMs are idiots. Anyway, she has quite an attitude and gets on my nerves easily and frequently and I'm already frustrated because I have more work than 2 or 3 people could reasonably manage, let alone one. Yeah, I know, I'm not alone - and I should be grateful I have a job, particularly considering that I'm not getting my work done! (My boss, by the way, will do absolutely nothing with this information, which is part of my frustration).

But anyway, I was having a particularly frustrated moment while trying to update status reports and happened to flip to Facebook when I meant to flip to my status report. And my church just so happened to have posted this:

EV Free Church of the Conejo Valley Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing. (Ps 37)

35 minutes ago · Comment · Like

Now how fortuitous was that????? Just exactly what I needed at this moment to make me stop in my frustration and turn my eyes to the Lord. Those eyes that are currently brimming over with grateful tears for the reminder.
Thanks Lord!

It's not fair to have to fight when you're sick...

I've been sick since Thursday and most of this time, I've been battling what seems like one of my toughest Fat Machinery's....

"I should eat something so that I have more energy and get better faster"

The fact that I'm not hungry doesn't matter. I'm probably not hungry because I don't feel good, right? And if I eat something and feel better, then things like hunger signals will get back on track, right?

And you don't want to wait until you're sooooo weak that you can't make something to eat, do you?

Ugh!!! Friday was bad with this. I pretty much slept, ate, watched TV, and slept some more. Eating had NOTHING to do with weather or not I was hungry and everything to do with feeling sorry for myself for feeling bad.

Saturday was not as bad (but still bad).

Sunday was a lot better - I had actual hunger signals and had help resisting the call to the candy bars because sugar, flour, & dairy all make me cough more (it didn't keep me out of them entirely, but it helped).

Today I'm determined. Hunger and fullness only. With God's help and strength since I'm still not overflowing with the latter....

How to focus on what you're eating

I figured something out tonight.

It's a lot easier to focus on what you're eating when you're eating something really really really good.

Yeah, I know - DUH!

I made some fish tonight, using a recipe from the Pioneer Woman and fish that a friend gave me from his fishing trip in Cabo. The fish was Dorado. I've never had it before that I can think of, so I thought this recipe would be a good way to make it. (I just looked it up, turns out it's Mahi-Mahi. Now that I've heard of - and eaten).

OH MY GOSH was it good - and super simple. The best kind of recipe! (By the way, I figure if I link to it enough times, you'll go out and try it.....)

Anyway, I sat down to have my dinner and had my usual argument with myself about reading a magazine or maybe turning on the TV, and I realized - I didn't want to do either. This dish was so good (OK, I sampled before I got to the table), I really wanted to enjoy it with no distractions!

And even crazier.... When I was done with dinner, I didn't want dessert. This is earth-shattering! Unless I'm super stuffed, I ALWAYS want dessert!

Ironically, we were talking about Pleasers, Teasers, & Rejects during Monday night's Thin Within meeting. And this is just another example of why we should concentrate on eating whole-body pleasers. BECAUSE, if it's something you truly enjoy, you will focus, you will enjoy, and you will be satisfied.

And I'm so excited that I eat such small servings that the 3 pieces of fish my friend brought me will stretch into 5 more meals!

Yummy Yum Yum Yum!!!

How to be "In the Present"?

As my Thin Within group was reviewing our notes from week 6 tonight, I was thinking again about "Being in the Present". Every time it comes up, it's like God gives me a poke in the arm and says, "Pay attention to this!"

I highlighted 2 things from the Week 6 Foundation Lesson (Workbook 1)

"Similarly, it can be fruitless to focus inappropriately on the future, thinking that life will finally be perfect and worth living when you reach your ideal size. This is a lie from Satan that keeps you from living in the present moment, which our precious Savior and Lord has given you right now."

"What does a mind set on the Spirit look like? It is focused on the path of God's provision, living and enjoying life purposefully in the present. It is set on the things of God, the truth of His Word, and your identity in Christ. It dwells on the affirmations of God's Word that declare your ability to do all things through Christ that lives in you."

Both of these quotes talk about God wanting me to be "in the present moment". And God himself has brought that to my attention lately.

Here's the thing.... I'm a planner. By profession and by nature - I plan. What I'm going to do tonight, when my next party will be, what night can I ride this week, what's my next deliverable on my project.... and so on. My brain is always thinking ahead (Just ask my friends that go to Disneyland with me..... "Well, if we want to have lunch at that restaurant, we should do this ride, then that one, and then we can go over that way and hit those two rides, and that should put us right in the right place just about the time we're ready to eat....")

So, how does someone who is a planner by nature live in the present? If I planned it right, then the present is almost irrelevant because it's going smoothly and I don't have to think about it - but I do have to think about what's coming up next, you see?

I'm stumped. I honestly am. I don't have any brilliant answer for this one. Which annoys me, because I like having the answers....

Lord, you're definitely taking me out of my comfort zone with this one. Focus on the present? Don't worry about tomorrow? How can I possibly do that? Really, I don't know how. Lord, you made me a planner. This is something you've gifted me with and something I have always thought would factor in to how I can serve you. And it has before. But you are clearly telling me that it's time to discover the present. I don't know how to do that Lord. I don't know how to turn off the planning part of my brain. I need your help with that. Show me how to do it - how to stop and just be in the present and enjoy what is. And help me to see what it is you want me to learn from this too. Thank you Lord, for the lesson I don't quite understand and haven't really experienced yet. I know that as with all things, you mean this to work for my good.