Notes from the Trail

Now THIS is what it should be about!

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 18:57:00 +0000

My problem is that I keep forgetting about things like this until it is too late, but this is how I want to approach Christmas:

The Advent Conspiracy

What I'd really like to do is get my family involved - less for us, more for others, all about worship. I think I'll start praying about that now for next year.....

A bad case of Humbug.

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 05:35:00 +0000

I'm suffering from a bad case of "Bah Humbug!" this year. I get it every once in awhile. I think it's a reaction to the fact that Christmas causes more stress than peace these days. Shopping, wrapping, decorating, baking, parties, dressing up, being "on" all the time......

I love Christmas. I love everything about it - usually. I want it to be a time to focus on how much God loves me - what He did for me; I want to spend time with family and friends; I like buying gifts; love the decorations.

But it seems that the focus has gotten lost as time has gone on. It's not about celebrating Jesus, it's about who has the most decorations, buys the best gifts, goes to the most parties, hosts the best party... bleh!

This year in particular I'm having a hard time. I've had a very busy year and it's been MONTHS since I had a day with nothing planned. Always going somewhere, doing something (and I'm not complaining - I have a GREAT life). And then in the last few weeks, going up to see Marge before she died and taking care of my Mom through all of that. I don't mean to seem selfish, I really don't - I'm glad I could be there for both of them. But I'm tired. Tired of being in charge. Tired of looking after everyone else. Tired of doing what has to be done.

So this week I've been cramming - I finished making Christmas Cards (I found a really fun kit this year for making really neat 3D cards and had a blast with that), got them all addressed and ready to mail on Thursday night. Got my New Years Party invites out, and - believe it or not - last night I got ALL of my Christmas gifts wrapped (I still have a couple that haven't arrived yet, but everything that could be wrapped is wrapped!). And all of this was in anticipation of today - the first Saturday in months where I have nothing planned. I didn't have to be anywhere, I didn't have to see anyone. I had a couple of errands to run, but nothing urgent. For a change, I could sleep in, I could relax, I could do whatever I want. And I didn't have to talk to anyone about it... (I've been keeping this a secret - even from myself since I have a tendency to fill up empty time).

So what did I do?

I slept in - until 8 AM (which is late for me!)

I sat in my PJs and drank my tea, then made breakfast

I got ready - even putting makeup on (since I've been working from home lately, I've started to feel like a real slob and I didn't want to feel that way today).

I went to the post office and mailed all my cards & packages.

And then I went to Disneyland.......

I know - explain how 1 1/2 hours in traffic only to be surrounded by thousands of people in a small space is relaxing....

Well, since I've been suffering from a serious lack of Christmas Spirit, I decided that I wanted to go surround myself with it. I put on my Christmas sweatshirt (beautifully embroidered by my mom), and went down to enjoy the music, gaze at the decorations, ride a few Christmas themed rides, see a Christmas themed show. I watched little kids experiencing the magic. I saw eyes grow big when a character walked by. I saw laughter and happy faces.

It's not the true meaning of Christmas, but it allowed me to enjoy the smiles it brings to people's faces. It allowed me to let all of the last few weeks go. I had no one to look after but myself - no one else to please, no one to make sure they were having fun. I could just let go and let the atmosphere take over. And it did. Little by little, the joy of the season came back to me. I'm ready to give in to the decorations - and maybe even some baking!

I'm going to read Luke 2 tonight. And then I'm going to get out "Fifth Seal" by Bodie & Brock Thoene. Have you read any of their books? They're wonderful. I love this series in particular for its depiction of the impact that Jesus had on ordinary people; and this book tells the story of Jesus' birth. Now that is the true meaning of Christmas.

I may even dust off and decorate a tree tomorrow......

Provision

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 04:26:00 +0000

These last 10 days have really been an example of the worst the world has to offer and the best that God has to offer.

I got a call almost 2 weeks ago that my step-grandmother was in the hospital. She had fallen and apparently been down for some time before a neighbor found her and called 911. It took me more time than I care to admit to realize I needed to get up there - so I left on Wednesday to go up to my Mom's, then we left Thursday AM to get up to Marge's (Marge is my Step-grandma). It's about a 12 hour drive total from my house.

On Wednesday, while I was on my way up, my Mom got the call that Marge had been moved to ICU and was on life support. They said they'd try to keep her alive until we got there. Mom and I got up before dawn on Thursday and headed out.

There was, admittedly, a lot to deal with. Marge had been difficult enough when my Grandfather was alive. I don't think anyone realized how difficult she was until after he passed. She had told all sorts of stories to her friends about how the family hadn't lifted a finger to help her (not true), but then this is the same woman who will tell anyone that would listen that diabetes (which she had) was caused by Mexican Food & Chinese Food, not sugar. So, reality was not her strong point.....

Anyway, one of her friends had not been able to reach her, so went to her house to check on her, peeked through a window and saw her laying on the floor and called 911. For this, we will forever be grateful. We are not sure what day Marge was admitted to the hospital. We got a call on Monday. By Tuesday night I had decided I needed to get up there, but couldn't get myself out the door until Wednesday afternoon.

When we got up to the area, we called the friend who had found Marge and talked to her daughter, Laura. We got the strangest reception from Laura, who told us not to go near Marge's house and to talk to Marge's attorney for any other questions. Huh?? We were planning to stay at the house and thought that was odd. So we went to the house, talked to a couple of Marge's neighbors to let them know we were there (they were all very nice) and went into the house with a key that Mom had, just to check it out (we knew the paramedics had had to break in, but did not know if there was a broken window that would need repaired or what). The house seemed intact, and we noticed Marge's purse was not there. As we left to go to the hospital, Mom locked 2 locks on the front door (only the bolt lock had been locked when we went in). That turned out to be a mistake as the bottom lock was so rusted we could not get back in for the rest of our time there, and ended up staying at a hotel. (The lawyer wasn't very friendly when we called either, telling us she couldn't talk to us until Marge had died).

When we got to the hospital, Marge was in ICU, on a ventilator, and unresponsive. The doctor gave us a rundown of her condition and it wasn't good. She had had a heart attack at the hospital sometime in the last 2 days, so the machine was breathing for her, her heart wasn't good, but other body systems seemed to be hanging on.

The doctor warned us that we had a decision to make about keeping Marge on the ventilator, which was keeping her alive. We asked for time to talk to family about it. Everyone in that little small-town hospital was unbelievably nice and gracious and they told us to take whatever time we needed and talk to whoever we needed.

My cousin Karen is a trauma nurse, and we spent a lot of time on the phone with her, passing on vital statistics, trying to understand what we were seeing, getting advice. My mom was the only one of her sisters who was close with their father, so none of my cousins knew my Grandpa or Marge. Karen was trying to help as much as she could, and was feeling bad for not being there, but she was such a blessing. With her skills in nursing, ability to tell us what the numbers meant, what she would expect to see, what we could expect, she was such an unbelievable blessing.

We went to a hotel that night (having by then figured out we had locked ourselves out of the house) and talked about what to do. Neither of us was comfortable "pulling the plug" if it was only Marge's respiratory system that was failing. Her other body systems seemed to be working, although we did not have details on her heart condition (this was a small rural hospital, and the most technical we could get was that her heart was "a mess"). We had watched the heart monitor and she had normal sinus rhythm during that day, so as far as we could see, her body was functioning.

We prayed most of that night - neither of us sleeping well. We had also sent out notices to as many people as we could think of asking for prayer. We needed clarity - a good understanding of what to do, as well as help with the issues with the friends, the house, etc.

The next morning when we arrived at the hospital, Marge's eyes were opened. The nurses had taken her off the sedation (this is standard procedure so they can check her responsiveness) and when we went in and took her hands, she appeared to recognize us - and even be surprised we were there. She was trying to talk, and started fighting the tube down her throat (a normal reaction) so the nurses turned the sedation back on. Before it took effect, we told her we were there, we loved her, and tried to talk to her about Jesus.

All through that day, she would wake up (she had not so much as stirred the day before) and the doctor told us he had expected to find her in kidney failure that morning and instead her kidneys were working a little better. She was just obstinate enough to try to prove everyone wrong. He asked us again about our decision and Mom and I both shook our heads - isn't it obvious? She was awake! And doing a little better. Why would we take her off the respirator now??? The doctor told us again (he had said this before) that the "outcome would be the same either way." He was telling us she was dying, but our eyes were telling us something different.

We went out to the car and called my cousin. She couldn't give us a full evaluation, not being there and not being able to see Marge for herself, but she also couldn't tell us necessarily that Marge was improving. Both Mom and I were firm - we cannot take her off the ventilator if she is showing improvement. We stayed most of the day. Marge woke up a few times and we always took her hands and talked to her, telling her we loved her. We didn't see that spark of recognition the rest of the day, although she would always make eye contact. She didn't try to talk again.

Mom and I are both fully convinced that the incident that morning was a gift from God. Whatever else was going on in her body at that time, God gave her the ability to know we were there for that moment. It was a moment I will treasure.

Back at the hotel Friday night and still trying to figure out what was the right thing to do, we called my step-brother, who is a sheriff (not in the same county where Marge lives). We talked to him about our rights regarding the house and Marge's purse (which we had confirmed the hospital didn't have). He told us that as next of kin, we absolutely had rights, suggested we talk to the police department in town, but that we should have no trouble calling a locksmith and going into the house. That night I also read the paperwork my Mom had about the Power of Attorney for Healthcare. Marge had assigned one of her friends (not the same one who found her) as her POA and my Mom was an alternate. When all of this started and we called the friend to let her know we were on the way up, she went right over to the Lawyer's office and said she didn't want to have anything to do with making these decisions. Another door opened - we had not been sure if we would have trouble with this friend too. Instead, she was nothing but loving and supportive.

On that form, I found a section where Marge had specified not wanting artificial life-saving measures. She did not want to be put on a ventilator. While it was too late - she was already on it, it brought back up the question about whether we should take her off. One of the big questions had to do with Marge's level of understanding. She only had a 3rd grade education and did not understand many things. Did she understand what she was specifying? We toyed with talking to her lawyer about that (we tried, but were not able to). But that weighed heavily on our minds.

The next morning back at the hospital - we walked into a surprise - Marge was breathing on her own. Still on the ventilator, but she was now breathing over it - it was in "assist" mode instead of breathing for her.

But, she was unresponsive. Eyes open and they would still look towards someone who came near here, but no recognition, no attempts to talk, no response when someone talked to her. Her kidneys and other systems were still holding up. The doctor asked us again - He said now was the time to take the tube out and try to let her breath on her own. Our choice at this time was, if she can't handle it, do we want them to re-intubate her? We showed him the POA form and he confirmed - we had already violated it (not intentionally - she had been intubated before anyone had seen the form). We still weren't sure what to answer, so again we asked to talk to family and pastors. We talked to my cousin, who said that re-intubation would be very traumatic for her, and she may not survive it. She also told us what would happen when they took the tube out - which was helpful. We could not reach my mom's pastor, but I was texting and Facebooking - asking people to pray. Then the doctor sent the respiratory therapist in to talk to us. This woman was another gift from God. She spent what felt like hours with us, answering our questions, explaining what was happening, listening to us talk about Marge and my Grandpa and things that were almost totally unrelated to what was going on. She explained that when they took the tube out, they would give Marge an oxygen mask to help her get oxygen, and depending on how she did, they may change out masks to provide more or less support. That was helpful because we had been afraid they'd take the tube out and just leave her to try to breath on her own. She was also the first to tell us that Marge was terminal. She told us that Marge was going to die either way and that she'd be more comfortable without the tube. She may even be able to talk to us. I told her she was the first person to say that directly, and that in light of what we were seeing - what looked like improvement - what was she seeing that made her think Marge was terminal? She said part of it was 25 years of experience, and part of it was the results of the tests that had been done on Marge and she specified out some of the things she was looking at. She was so incredibly gracious and kind and helped us to understand that if Marge was going to die either way, she would be happier without the tube. It helped us to make the decision.

My cousin had advised that we not be in the room when the tube was removed, but we were able to go in right after. Marge had an oxygen mask on, and was struggling to breath. She looked at my Mom and kept her eyes on her or the respiratory therapist, who stayed there right with my mom. The nurse stayed with us in the room too, administering morphine until Marge finally relaxed. Once she relaxed and stopped struggling, it was over within minutes. Her heart stopped and breathing stopped. I think both the nurse and the respiratory therapist were surprised it happened so fast. Both seemed to think that we'd at least have the day, although not much longer than that, and that there was even the possibility that Marge might be able to talk. None of us had any idea that it would be over in minutes. Mom and I are so incredibly grateful to Aura & Cheryl (the nurse & RT), who stayed with us the whole time, explained what were were seeing, answered our questions, and just comforted us. They told us it was rare for a family to stay for this part. Most people can't handle it. And to be honest - the whole time we were in that ICU, I never saw another visitor for any of the other patients. That is so tragic to me.

Marge's passing was traumatic. It was not peaceful. She was terrified. I have tried to tell my mom that it was probably her body's autonomic response to the struggle to breath. In reality, I believe it was the fear of someone who did not know what would happen next. I don't know if she was able to understand and accept what my mom said about Jesus. And even if she did, she would have been too new a believer to know what to expect after death. I do know that I hope never, ever, ever again to have to be at the deathbed of an unbeliever as long as I live. That will haunt me for a long time. My mom and I have talked about it - we've both been praying for fuzzy memories of that week. And in God's grace, He is providing.

We left the hospital and not knowing what else to do, we went to the police department to talk about getting a locksmith out to the house. They not only supported us, they recommended a locksmith (who turned out to be wonderful). Jerry the locksmith was 78 years old and ended up having to climb into that same window over the kitchen sink that the paramedics had broken into so he could get us into the house. He then hung out and changed all the locks for us while Mom and I started collecting the family pictures and things. We knew that Marge didn't want us to have "nothin.'" She had told my Mom that. But we had confirmed with the police & lawyer (who we called after Marge passed) that it would be ok. Both had said we could take whatever we wanted from the house. We found my grandfather's banjo & mandolin and took those too. We confirmed that Marge's purse was nowhere in the house, so after finishing up with the locksmith (who would have to come back the next day to get to the garage door), back to the police station we went.

Thank God for small towns - we talked to a young whipper-snapper of an officer, who went back, found the officers who had gone on the 911 call when Marge was taken to the hospital, and they said that the 2 elderly ladies had taken Marge's purse. That confirmed it - that Laura who had told us not to go to the house and wouldn't answer our questions about Marge's purse did in fact have it. We asked the police officer to go with us to collect it. He could not do that (too busy that night) but did call Laura to tell her she needed to give it to us, and gave us his card and said if we had any trouble, to call him and he'd make that his next stop in his police car.

So we went to Laura's house (just around the corner from Marge's - we had been passing it all that time) and knocked on the door. They suddenly discovered they didn't know how to use their front door and left me standing there for 10 minutes before they finally opened the garage door, no purse in hand, talking on the phone. She asked my name, which I gave her. She turned out to have called the police to tell them the purse should go to the American Cancer Society (that's who Marge changed the will to leave everything to - we knew that) and that we shouldn't have it. I turned around and told Mom to call that officer and have him come over. The officer on the phone told Laura the same thing - she needed to surrender that purse.

That woman was so awful to us, and deep down I'm sure she thought she was protecting Marge from her "horrible" family, but really, who treats the family of a dying woman that way???? When she finally gave me the purse, she asked "Oh, do you know so & so in Alaska (they had the same last name as Marge)? I know them." Really? You're going to ask me about my relatives after this? I don't think so!!!! I just turned and walked away. We were pleased to find that the purse appeared to be intact. They had gotten Marge's keys out to collect her mail (they gave that to me also). Mom has a concern about identity theft, but I think they really just thought they were protecting Marge. And I think they're awfully deluded if they spent time with Marge, knew what kind of stories she told, but chose to believe what she said about her family (Marge's other friends didn't act like that to us). To me, it's sad. It didn't have to be that way.

The last morning, we got the garage door open and still did not find my grandfather's WWII uniform (which we had been looking for), but we did find out that Jerry the locksmith was helping a family - a mother with 4 kids, whose husband had just been killed in Iraq, so we sent all of Marge's canned & frozen foods with him for them. He was thrilled. He also asked what we planned to do with the house, so we told him we'd give his name to the American Cancer Society and see if they could work something out with him. We sure would like to see someone that nice in my Grandfather's house. It would mean a lot to us to know it was being taken care of - even though we will never see it again.

We walked the property one last time, took some pictures, said our goodbyes, and left. While I am haunted by some horrible memories, those are taking the background and what absolutely refuses to dim is the memory of all of the answered prayers. We were being prayed for and we knew it - we felt it. We praise God for praying friends. God answered those prayers so thoroughly and completely that we just almost couldn't believe it. We found doors opening (literally & figuratively) with little or no work. We had expected all sorts of heartaches and hassles because, well, frankly Marge was a cantankerous old broad and had alienated a lot of people. Instead, with one exception, we found people who absolutely bent over backwards to be gracious and kind to us. Mom had some things she really wanted to be able to keep of my Grandfathers, some of which we hadn't found when we searched the house. When we called the American Cancer Society, the gentleman we talked to unequivocally said we could have those things and he would help us work it out (we were willing to pay for the 1 thing that would have monetary value - he never even asked). The mortuary has been a blessing, the Fiduciary hired by the Cancer Society has been as nice as can be. I have ended up making most of the arrangements (an education for me) and really could not have had an easier time. I will leave this experience not remembering an angry sad old woman, but a whole lot of amazing people. Through the pictures I took from the house, I have revisited memories of my Grandpa & Marge - from days long ago when they were different people, fun days, happier times.

One of the things we came away with from my grandpa's garage was an old bicycle. It was probably Marge's, but looked like it had never been ridden. It was caked with dirt & rust, but there was something about it that tugged at my heartstrings and Mom & I decided to take it. I figured I could take it down here to a local bike shop and see if it could be restored. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, back at my Mom's house and after dealing with some paperwork, we needed a break and went over to a bike shop in her town to get some advice. We came home with some chrome cleaner, new tires & tubes, new brakes, and a project for Thanksgiving Day - and lots of enthusiasm.

My stepdad & I spent most of Thanksgiving day working on that bike (Mom did some work too, but was tied up with making dinner). Roger is wonderfully meticulous and you wouldn't believe the miracles he did with that chrome cleaner. We gave the bike a good cleaning, changed the tires & brakes, lubed it up and called Mom out. She is now the proud owner of a candy apple red vintage cruiser bicycle and they're as cute as can be together.

Even Thanksgiving dinner was a blessing - Mom & I had no idea how long we'd be up in Clearlake, so we had Roger order a package from the local grocery store. We had no idea what to expect, and really didn't expect much, but that dinner was delicious! And the cooking & clean up were a breeze! (I'm a little worried Mom's going to like that convenience too much!)

God provided for us in so many ways this last 2 weeks that I am yet again blown away. As the stress & horror recede, I am left with the peace of knowing we were taken care of - every single step of the way. And that is what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.

God-Incidence

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:54:00 +0000

Don't you just love those times when God sends you a message - a verse, a song, a comment from a friend - right exactly when you need it?

I just had one of those.

I'm working. Trying to scramble and get done one of the 10,000 things I'm supposed to have done today (and probably one of the 2 things that will actually get done today). I just sent a note off to my boss that another manager has been threatening to go to him because I'm behind on my work, which impacts her staff. I'm not really worried about that, because I've already told him that myself. But this particular manager is a real troublemaker, I suspect she's trying to "protect' her own people, who have told me she thinks all PMs are idiots. Anyway, she has quite an attitude and gets on my nerves easily and frequently and I'm already frustrated because I have more work than 2 or 3 people could reasonably manage, let alone one. Yeah, I know, I'm not alone - and I should be grateful I have a job, particularly considering that I'm not getting my work done! (My boss, by the way, will do absolutely nothing with this information, which is part of my frustration).

But anyway, I was having a particularly frustrated moment while trying to update status reports and happened to flip to Facebook when I meant to flip to my status report. And my church just so happened to have posted this:

EV Free Church of the Conejo Valley Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing. (Ps 37)
35 minutes ago · Comment · Like

It's not fair to have to fight when you're sick...

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:21:00 +0000

I've been sick since Thursday and most of this time, I've been battling what seems like one of my toughest Fat Machinery's....

"I should eat something so that I have more energy and get better faster"

The fact that I'm not hungry doesn't matter. I'm probably not hungry because I don't feel good, right? And if I eat something and feel better, then things like hunger signals will get back on track, right?

And you don't want to wait until you're sooooo weak that you can't make something to eat, do you?

Ugh!!! Friday was bad with this. I pretty much slept, ate, watched TV, and slept some more. Eating had NOTHING to do with weather or not I was hungry and everything to do with feeling sorry for myself for feeling bad.

Saturday was not as bad (but still bad).

Sunday was a lot better - I had actual hunger signals and had help resisting the call to the candy bars because sugar, flour, & dairy all make me cough more (it didn't keep me out of them entirely, but it helped).

Today I'm determined. Hunger and fullness only. With God's help and strength since I'm still not overflowing with the latter....

How to focus on what you're eating

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 03:38:00 +0000

I figured something out tonight.

It's a lot easier to focus on what you're eating when you're eating something really really really good.

Yeah, I know - DUH!

I made some fish tonight, using a recipe from the Pioneer Woman and fish that a friend gave me from his fishing trip in Cabo. The fish was Dorado. I've never had it before that I can think of, so I thought this recipe would be a good way to make it. (I just looked it up, turns out it's Mahi-Mahi. Now that I've heard of - and eaten).

OH MY GOSH was it good - and super simple. The best kind of recipe! (By the way, I figure if I link to it enough times, you'll go out and try it.....)

Anyway, I sat down to have my dinner and had my usual argument with myself about reading a magazine or maybe turning on the TV, and I realized - I didn't want to do either. This dish was so good (OK, I sampled before I got to the table), I really wanted to enjoy it with no distractions!

And even crazier.... When I was done with dinner, I didn't want dessert. This is earth-shattering! Unless I'm super stuffed, I ALWAYS want dessert!

Ironically, we were talking about Pleasers, Teasers, & Rejects during Monday night's Thin Within meeting. And this is just another example of why we should concentrate on eating whole-body pleasers. BECAUSE, if it's something you truly enjoy, you will focus, you will enjoy, and you will be satisfied.

And I'm so excited that I eat such small servings that the 3 pieces of fish my friend brought me will stretch into 5 more meals!

Yummy Yum Yum Yum!!!

How to be "In the Present"?

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 03:21:00 +0000

As my Thin Within group was reviewing our notes from week 6 tonight, I was thinking again about "Being in the Present". Every time it comes up, it's like God gives me a poke in the arm and says, "Pay attention to this!"

I highlighted 2 things from the Week 6 Foundation Lesson (Workbook 1)

"Similarly, it can be fruitless to focus inappropriately on the future, thinking that life will finally be perfect and worth living when you reach your ideal size. This is a lie from Satan that keeps you from living in the present moment, which our precious Savior and Lord has given you right now."

"What does a mind set on the Spirit look like? It is focused on the path of God's provision, living and enjoying life purposefully in the present. It is set on the things of God, the truth of His Word, and your identity in Christ. It dwells on the affirmations of God's Word that declare your ability to do all things through Christ that lives in you."

Both of these quotes talk about God wanting me to be "in the present moment". And God himself has brought that to my attention lately.

Here's the thing.... I'm a planner. By profession and by nature - I plan. What I'm going to do tonight, when my next party will be, what night can I ride this week, what's my next deliverable on my project.... and so on. My brain is always thinking ahead (Just ask my friends that go to Disneyland with me..... "Well, if we want to have lunch at that restaurant, we should do this ride, then that one, and then we can go over that way and hit those two rides, and that should put us right in the right place just about the time we're ready to eat....")

So, how does someone who is a planner by nature live in the present? If I planned it right, then the present is almost irrelevant because it's going smoothly and I don't have to think about it - but I do have to think about what's coming up next, you see?

I'm stumped. I honestly am. I don't have any brilliant answer for this one. Which annoys me, because I like having the answers....

Lord, you're definitely taking me out of my comfort zone with this one. Focus on the present? Don't worry about tomorrow? How can I possibly do that? Really, I don't know how. Lord, you made me a planner. This is something you've gifted me with and something I have always thought would factor in to how I can serve you. And it has before. But you are clearly telling me that it's time to discover the present. I don't know how to do that Lord. I don't know how to turn off the planning part of my brain. I need your help with that. Show me how to do it - how to stop and just be in the present and enjoy what is. And help me to see what it is you want me to learn from this too. Thank you Lord, for the lesson I don't quite understand and haven't really experienced yet. I know that as with all things, you mean this to work for my good.

Remembrance Stones...

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:22:00 +0000

In my "The Truth Project" class last night, we talked about "Remembrance Stones" that God had the Israelites place in certain places to mark a significant event in their history. The purpose was to give them a grounding in their own history - something to look back to, to remind them what God has done for them, and to keep them focused on God.

I was thinking about that and how it relates to Thin Within for me. I've been praying a lot lately for God to help me to remember what I am trying to do. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I get caught up so easily in the daily busy-ness, crisis, stress that I often forget to seek God's help, forget to pay attention to what I'm doing, lose focus on my eating, etc.

As I was praying that this morning, God reminded me that I actually have a Remembrance Stone on my desk at work. It's something we did in church one Sunday ages ago - I can't even remember what the lesson was. There was a pile of river rocks in the front of the church and everyone took one, wrote a key verse on the rock and brought it home. A few months ago, after a particularly horrible day at work, God reminded me of that rock and I brought it here as something to help me keep my eyes on him. I realized this morning that it had been pushed to the corner of my desk, so now it's back - front and center.

He also reminded me to get out my Hunger Graph. I had handed them out to my TW group last week, but forgot to take a copy for myself. I would half-heartedly remind myself that I need to get that out, but until this morning, I hadn't done it. But I'm realizing that I really need to get my focus back. I've been giving this lip-service again and I don't want to do that.

So I got out a few hunger graphs...

I marked out my breakfast numbers. In spite of telling myself I would focus, my mind got busy thinking about all the things I need to deal with at work today, and I went past 5. So I marked that down (it wasn't much past 5, but that's not the point!)

I was just laughing at myself because I started getting hungry earlier than usual (I always get hungry mid-morning, but it's usually an hour or so later than I did today). I pulled something out of my snack drawer, but I waited - I knew if I ate, I had to write that down, so I waited thinking, "Am I really hungry?" (I was).

I'm now at that comfortable 5 - not feeling a lump of food in my stomach but not feeling hungry either. That's how I like it - non-urgent hunger, non-stuffed satisfaction. A few minutes ago, I noticed some M&Ms sitting on my desk. I was starting to reach for one when I spied the hunger graph. "What are you doing? You have to write that down!!" Not being hungry, I didn't want to admit to eating on impulse. So it stopped me!

So, God has given me 2 Remembrance stones today - one is an actual rock. The other is a piece of paper. And I'll take it!

Thanks God!

Sometimes God drives me crazy

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:40:00 +0000

Nearly every lesson that God has been teaching me for the past year or so has had to do with endurance - sticking it out, being in it for the long haul, keeping going when I don't feel like going anymore. And not to worry, God also shows me that he's in it with me. That he keeps his promises. That he's walking right beside me.....

The problem is (and probably why I've been dealing with this for so long) - I'm an "instant gratification" girl. I want what I want when I want it - and I can usually get it. So this long haul stuff is pretty hard for me.

Last night as I was driving home from the desert (about a 2 hour drive), I got into this with God. Was praying about some things I've been praying about for a long time. Knowing that God keeps his promises - he's shown me that, I have no doubts - but asking, "Why does it have to take so long????" Ok, I was being whiny.... But I just don't understand sometimes why, if he has made a promise, and the promise is a good thing, why it has to take so long to come to fruition. It may be because I still have much to learn. It may be because all the "ducks" aren't in a row yet. It may have to do with another person and not even me. I don't know and may never know those answers. But I get darn impatient with the waiting and found myself very frustrated with it and venting to God last night.

And I knew what I was doing when I was doing it. I told God that I know everything works for my good. I told him that I'm not doubting that he'll keep his promises. And I told him that I'm just frustrated that things sometimes seem to be going nowhere. But I also told him that I didn't want to maintain that attitude. That I wanted to focus on his faithfulness, and not my own petulance. I asked for help for that.

It didn't come right away.

In fact, God has been reminding me he has a sense of humor again....

This morning when I was reading my weekly lesson in my TW workbook, I came across this:

"What does a mind set on the Spirit look like? It is focused on the path of God's provision, living and enjoying life purposefully in the present. It is set on the things of God, the truth of His Word, and your identity in Christ. It dwells on the affirmation of God's Word that declare your ability to do all things through Christ who lives in you." (Workbook 1, Week 6)

The statement about living and enjoying life purposefully in the present jumped out at me. When I am getting impatient, when I'm complaining that God isn't working fast enough for me, am I living in the present? No - I'm focusing on what is yet to come, and forgetting to fix my eyes on Jesus. OK God - I got that.

Then I went to church this morning and guess what our sermon topic was? "Abraham: The Challenge of Waiting"

Think God's trying to make a point here?

Our pastor talked about trials as having these purposes:

To reveal areas of needed growth
To strengthen our ability to trust God
To build endurance (there's that word again!)
To strengthen our hope

I will admit that through the last year, God has taught me many, many of these things. I've been focusing on the first bullet today - revealing areas of needed growth. Even in (or maybe especially in) my petulance, I recognize the need for maturity. Whining is not exactly the most mature response to a trial, is it? Not that God can't handle me lashing out at him once in awhile, but it's not exactly the response I should be having.

So, here I am, still waiting, still impatient (in fact, I suspect my over-purchasing at a street fair today was a reaction to this), but at least aware that I still need to grow. God's faithfulness in this last year has strengthened my faith, strengthened my trust in him, given me ability to hope (let alone strengthen it!). I'm working on building endurance - he's shown me time and time again that quitting when times get tough is actually pointless, if not counter-productive. So I can see that I need to grow. I've been praying about that today - that I would see these areas I need to grow in, understand what I really need to learn. And that I would mature.

Our pastor went on to say that trials finish the work of faith in our lives so that we can say, "Whatever God wants me to do, I will do." I want to be able to say that.

The lesson today was about the story in Genesis where God tells Abraham to take his only son Isaac and present him as a sacrifice. This is the son that Abraham waited 99 years for. The son through which God had promised to extend Abraham's line. His only son. And yet Abraham, fully understanding what was being asked of him, didn't hesitate to obey. He did not know if God would provide an alternate at the last minute. He did not know why God had asked him to do this. But he did know that God keeps his promises.

The lesson: God knew that Abraham would do this, but Abraham didn't. It was Abraham that had something to learn through this trial, not God. Wow.

I'm resisting the urge to pray, "God, would you help me to learn this lesson, and would you help me to do it right away?" I suspect I have something to learn about how I will behave during the wait. Or how I need to behave.....

Oy... I'm full.....

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:24:00 +0000

I'm not really sure what to think about this weekend. It's such an odd thing. I overate (for me), I know that. Nearly every meal, I was at least at a 6, if not more.

But the thing is, someone who was new to our group made several comments about how I "eat like a bird". So it became easy to fool myself into saying "I'm fine".

I'm not sure why it was so tough for me to combat those comments this time - I've heard comments like that plenty of times before. It might have been the combination of Fat Machinery - Comments from others, Paying too much for food, Servings that were way too large, No way to take home leftovers....

And here's a new one - how about eating too much because the food you've already had wasn't that good, so you kept trying other things hoping it would be better than the last? That's what happened at our Carb Load Dinner. Bad food, bad service (the restaurant was completely overwhelmed).... Standing in line for 30 minutes for a slice of pizza that you hope is better than the pasta you already ate.... (and of course, paying way too much for all of it). We actually went out for dessert after Carb Loading hoping to end the evening on a better note. I ended it on a STUFFED note.

Sure, I can try to justify... I had a 26.2 mile bike ride the next morning... We were going to Disneyland the day after.... Yeah, my body needs more food, that's it.....

Not really.....

I woke up Tuesday thinking "Bread.... Water.... That's it... No more rich foods, no more greasy foods, no more TOO MUCH food....." And I had to laugh - it took FOREVER to get hungry. In fact, I may not have been truly hungry until Wednesday night.

Looking back, I do believe I could have done much worse. I covered myself in prayer before I left (although rarely while I was gone). I had opportunities to eat much, much more. I ate too much for me, but to other people, I was eating like a bird.

It's a reminder that God wants me to look to him constantly. A one-time prayer before leaving isn't enough - it's a process of continually looking to God for my strength & support. That's what I keep dropping. I get busy. I get distracted. I forget. How do I fix that? Tie a string around my finger to remind me? Or maybe another prayer asking for help not to forget?

I'll be working on that.....

Preparation

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 16:10:00 +0000

This weekend will be a challenging one, food-wise. And I know this.....

I'm off today for the Long Beach Marathon Bike Tour. My cousin is running the 5k, and my friends and I are riding the marathon route. We did this last year and it was a BLAST! I can't wait. But this is what I have ahead of me.....

=> Lunch at "Schooner or Later" - featured on "Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives"

=> Carb Load Dinner (Note - I do not find that carb loading helps my performance. I need more protein than carbs, but that doesn't mean I don't LOVE carbs and can't wait for the dinner!)

=> Little to no breakfast - bringing my home-made energy bars, which actually should hold me quite well

=> 26.2 mile bike ride, and whatever we can scrounge for lunch afterwards!

=> Celebratory Dinner at the Napa Rose - the 5 Star restaurant at the Grand Californian Hotel at Disneyland. Unbelievably good dining experience.

=> Disneyland - not exactly your healthiest of dining locations, particularly when you're there all day.

So, I started out my day in prayer - Hey God, I know this is going to be a challenging weekend, so I need your help to keep me focused, keep me on track. Don't let me drag up all my "usual suspect" excuses for overindulging!

I know that I need to keep my eyes on Jesus. I know that I can easily turn away and make all sorts of excuses. And I know that I'll be fighting all sorts of distractions and temptations. So I'll need all the help I can get. This wont be a one-time prayer!!

But I want to emerge from this challenge victorious!

A new purpose for my bike

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 02:13:00 +0000

Did I mention I got a new bike?

Notice the big grin on my face? I love my new bike. It's a real road bike, which is taking some getting used to, and it's made of carbon, so it's super light (and fast) and it's the Susan G. Komen edition, which not only means it's black & hot pink, but also that 10% of the price went to the Susan G. Komen Foundation - very cool.

So here's the thing - this is very different from my old bike - with the road bike, I'm leaned over much more and I have to use my core muscles (abdomen & back) to support my body or I put too much pressure on my arms, wrists and hands.

And that's not easy.

BUT - what I've discovered is I definitely cannot overeat when I ride this bike - because you cannot use your core muscles when you are stuffed or there are other consequences....

So, I figure God is now using my bike, which he gifted to me, and I love, as an object lesson and a reminder not to overeat.

And I think that's pretty darn cool!!!

Does Snicker's really satisfy?

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 20:12:00 +0000

I don't know if they still do, but at one time, Snickers' advertising slogan was "Snickers Really Satisfies"

I'm having one of those days.... The quiet around here (at work with 6 of my coworkers gone) is really bugging me. It's Monday and I'm just having trouble getting moving. I went out and got a sandwich for lunch that tasted REALLY good - and I really wanted that 2nd half. I didn't need it, and I knew that even before my stomach caught up and told me I'd had enough. So I battled the urge to keep eating - and won that battle. Wrapped it up and it's sitting in the fridge for me to take home for dinner (if I remember).

Then after lunch I started with the chocolate cravings. One of the guys who was laid off used to bring in those bite sized candies - they were perfect to give you that little taste of sweet after a meal (which for me at least, tends to signal to my brain that I'm done).

There are no candies left in the jar and I haven't made it out to the grocery store in a couple of weeks. So I kind of wandered around for awhile before remembering we have a candy machine downstairs (procrastinating at getting your work done does NOT help you fight cravings!)

Looking at the machine, there was nothing I really wanted. I wanted something cake-y - like those Hostess cupcakes with the white swirl on top. Not that those are the best cupcakes, I think it was a texture thing I was craving. The closest I could get to that was a Snickers - and it was not the bite size, but a regular size candy bar.

I made myself promise that I wouldn't multi-task. I'd eat my candy bar and pay attention and savor it. The problem is- it didn't work. It wasn't really what I was craving and since I didn't really need it in the first place, it didn't "satisfy".

And then I remembered that the hot dog place over in the food court has really good brownies. Darn it, why didn't I remember that an hour ago?? NOT that I need a whole enormous brownie, but gosh that would have satisfied the craving a lot better.

So now I've had a candy bar I don't need, and I'm still craving the brownie that I also don't need. (I am NOT hungry, by the way).

And I'm sitting here remembering that this is the reason that I should stick to whole body pleasers - if I settle for something that is a teaser (or even a reject), then I am still going to be fighting over a craving for something else. And, if I rely on my own power, I'm likely to lose the battle and go eating something else my body doesn't need.

Bleh!!! When will I learn?

The upside of these battles is that they do make me turn to God. I wont win this battle on my own strength - the brownie will win. And as I have focused on my body being owned by God, and me as the caretaker of something that belongs to someone else, that has helped me realize that I want to win these battles. I want to take good care of this vessel where God chooses to reside in the form of the Holy Spirit.

So Lord - I need your help. Help me to get my concentration back, get back to work, and forget about the brownie! Thanks God!

Where fears go to die....

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 01:41:00 +0000

I found this in an advertisement for my local Christian Book Store:

"A healthy church is where our fears go to die.... We extinguish them with the waterfall of worship, choosing to gaze at God, not our dreads."

From Fearless by Max Lucado

I keep coming back to that statement, it's so interesting to me. And isn't it true that when we fix our gaze on Christ, our fears melt away?

Not my own

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:03:00 +0000

Working on Week 2 in my Thin Within workbook this morning, and the first question included, "Do you see your body as a temple honoring God? Why or Why not?"

I've never connected with that imagery of my body as a temple of God. Not sure why, but it has never sunk in for me. And as I was thinking about that this morning, I realized that - for one - my body does not honor God now. I was thinking "It's more of a monument to may failure to honor God." It got me thinking about something I posted some time ago about the fat on my body representing the times I've sought worldly pleasure instead of seeking God for satisfaction. My body doesn't honor God, it honors the world.

1 Corinthians 6: 19-20 is our verse this week: Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

I was purchased at the price of Jesus' blood and suffering. I do not belong to myself.

Then it hit me - I tend to take much better care of other people's stuff than my own. Does anyone else do that? Not that I'm not a good caretaker of my own stuff, but I take special care when I have something that belongs to someone else. I don't want it to get stained, dented, or otherwise ruined.

So, if I realize - or believe - that my body is not my own but rather was purchased and paid for by Jesus, shouldn't I be taking extra special care with it?? It's one thing when you're borrowing your mom's camera, but hey, I'm borrowing a body that belongs to the Creator of the Universe!

That gives me a whole new perspective on how I should be taking care of it.

Kiss it and make it better....

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 04:12:00 +0000

I'm sitting here wishing I could eat a gallon of ice cream and make it all better.

Not that I actually have any desire to eat a gallon of ice cream. I just wish that something that easy could make the bad things in life better. Can someone kiss my boo boo and make it go away?

I'm fortunate not to be an emotional eater. Frankly I couldn't imagine reaching for the ice cream right now because my stomach is in knots.

Today I had to say goodbye to some of the best people I've ever worked with. It's not like I'll never see them again, but I'll go in on Monday and their places all around me will be empty. I'll miss them, miss the teamwork, miss their very distinct and unique personalities. This was by far the best team I've ever worked with and I have enjoyed every minute of it.

And now all but 3 of us are gone because some corporate executive wants to make numbers in a spreadsheet look better.

I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm depressed. I'm trying soooo hard not to take it out on the people who have been brought in to replace these people (it's not their fault, but they aren't anywhere near the caliber this team was - and never will be).

To me, there's no point to seeking food to make it all better - how could it? It's time to climb into my Father's lap and cry and pound my fists and ask "WHY???"

It's time to fix my eyes on Jesus, remembering that this isn't a sprint, but an endurance ride. I know where my strength comes from. And I need all the strength I can get.

I'm going to miss you guys

Just call me Thomas

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 16:43:00 +0000

One of my favorite parts of the Workbook #1 study is the study on the characteristics of God. Since I'm just on week 1, I'm studying how God is Love.

As I have dug down into what God's love means - everlasting, complete, unearned; that he sacrificed his own son to give me the ability to have a relationship with him, I was thinking about that this morning. I don't have kids of my own, but I have lots of nieces and nephews. Could I even imagine saying "Hey - you guys can't keep yourselves straight on your own, so I'm going to sacrifice my nephew in your place so that you can continue your connection to me"??? Sorry, but I don't like anyone that much...

So when you consider what God did - knowingly (it's not like he didn't know what the outcome would be of sending Jesus to earth), it's mind boggling.

And it makes me realize that those times when I doubt him, those times when I fail to trust, fail to believe, I am betraying that act.

There have been times in my life when my dear friends have betrayed me - my trust or my friendship and I know how hurtful that has been. And it's not like I sacrificed much for them.

So how hurtful is it, when Jesus has given his very life in my place, that I can't find it in me to trust what he says? When I find myself doubting that he will do what he promises?

That's what God seems to be working on me about this time around - doubt. I can relate to good ol' Thomas, who after witnessing the most horrific death in history, tells the resurrected Jesus that he needs proof that it's really him. It's like "Yeah, I want to believe you, but prove it!"

I think that's me... "Yeah God, I know you say you'll take care of me, but ...." I'm learning to trust that he can keep his promises, but still find myself saying, "but will he?"

Doubting Melanie, that's me.

And as I'm studying about his love, about what that really means, I'm realizing how hurtful that is. How completely unfair it is given all that he's already done for me. And not just the big things, but the million little ways he's answered prayer, helped me along.

So that's what I'm focusing on - when I feel the doubts coming up, the nagging creeping in, just remembering what God has already done. Reminding myself how hurtful those doubts are. Remembering the truth that God loves me enough to keep his promises. Taking those doubts captive and replacing them with Truth.

A little photo essay

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 03:53:00 +0000

This is something I've wanted to do for a long time. Way back when I was first starting support groups, we got to talking about the size of my cereal bowl. I believe the words "Jethro Bodine" were used....

At that time, I switched from my big ginormous bowl to a smaller one - from a set of dishes I bought off a friend. The dishes had been her mother's.

This is significant because recently I also watched an episode of "Food Detectives" where they did a little experiment to see if people who used bigger dishes ate more than those who used smaller dishes. (They did). One of the points made in the episode was that dishes that were made 40 years ago were smaller than what we buy now. And when I compare those dishes that I bought from my friend to the ones I already had, it's very true - the plates and bowls in particular are WAY bigger on my newer set.

So I've been on a quest to buy fun, small dishes. Just one or two whenever I see a nice pattern. And tonight I took a few pictures to illustrate what a difference it makes.

These are my original dishes. Notice the size of the plate and bowl in relation to the size of the placemat.....

And after the "Jethro Bodine" conversation, these are the dishes I started using.....

And after the "Food Detectives" episode (and upon finding the plate at a store), I started using these....

The thing is, I serve much less food on the smaller plate & bowl than on the bigger ones and guess what? I'm still satisfied!

I stacked the plates & bowls on top of each other so you can see the progression - and added a blurry side view of the bowls so you can see how truly huge the Jethro Bodine bowl is. Looking at these now, I'm amazed that I could have eaten a big plate full of food (and I did) and even further amazed that the smallest plate and bowl can still provide me with a satisfying meal. See, God is doing a new thing!

Little reminders from God....

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 03:05:00 +0000

Monday, after our first TW meeting, I was praying about the TW workbooks I had left over. I've already pre-paid for all but one of them, and I had 2 left over. I was praying that God would take care of it so that I could sell all of them. It was a little thing, but it would be nice not to have that expense sitting in my closet unused. So I prayed it and then kind of forgot about it.

Today I was praying about something else - one of those things I've been praying about for years, talking to God about progress, or lack thereof. Wondering where he's taking me on that path.

When I got to Curves, one of the ladies mentioned that she saw my flyer and that I was starting up a new group. She asked if I had any extra books! Well, of course I did!! So she stopped by tonight and bought it. She may not be able to make the meetings, but wanted to get started on the workbook.

So that only leaves me with the last one, which I can send back if I don't have a taker for it.

But the neat thing was that after she talked to me at Curves, God nudged me and reminded me that if He can take care of the little things, he will also take care of the big things.

Isn't that a cool God moment?? I love those!

Thanks God!

Yay!

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 03:23:00 +0000

Sooo glad to have my Thin Within Support Group meeting again! I've missed these amazing ladies. They bring so much to our discussions and have enriched my life more than I ever could have imagined.

I'm starting over with Workbook #1. Looking forward to getting back to basics. I want that close communion with God that I had for awhile and have been missing. Can't wait!

Dread

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 15:00:00 +0000

I'm dreading this week. Have been for a long time. And it seems like in a blink of an eye, it's here.

On Friday of this week, most of my team, a phenomenal group of people, will be laid off. I've never seen anything like this team and have never worked with a more dedicated group of people. They're knowledgeable, can be a pain in the neck, but more importantly, put what our customer needs in front of everything else, to the point of working 24+ hour days (and completely messing up my project schedules) to make what the customer needs happen.

They know the programs so well that while programming something else, they can spot a problem in another piece of code and fix it before the customers even notice it in the production environment.

They know they programs, systems, and business so well that they can look at requirements we've been given and identify the holes in them.

Between the 5 people who are being laid off on Friday, our company will lose close to 50 years of experience.

And they are being replaced by drones who do exactly what they are told - not one letter more, not one letter less. These individuals will never be able to see a missing requirement, will never notice a problem in the code - and if they do, they wont bring it up to the customers because they are trained to do exactly what has been written down for them to do.

Our customer's lives are about to get a lot harder. So is mine.

And I keep asking - "How do corporate executives expect to sell a product when the people who should be buying it are out of jobs because the same corporate executives sent those jobs to a third world country?" Makes no sense to me.

So in light of what I learned last night in "The Truth Project", I've been asking myself, "What will my actions be this week if I really believe that what I believe is really real?" Do I really believe that God will take care of my coworkers? Do I really believe that God will take care of me? That he cares that this week (and those that follow) is going to be hell? Does he care that greedy corporate executives have taken this country to the verge of collapse and still seem to be trying to push us over the ledge? Does he care about my (soon to be former) coworkers? Will they find jobs? Will they make ends meet? Can he get me through this crisis without becoming so bitter and angry (which I'm on the edge of...) that I can't forgive?

I believe that he can do all of these things. I need my actions to reflect that I believe that he will do all of these things.

...For I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I
know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any
and all circumstances, I have learned the secret [of being content] - whether
well-fed or hungry, whether in abundance or need. I can do all
things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:11-13

... Struggling to be content this week. It's not going to be easy......

Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 03:46:00 +0000

I'm really excited to be starting The Truth Project. This is a project by Focus on the Family to help Christians strengthen their Biblical world view. And since I'm a little addicted to apologetics, I'm so ready to jump in.

Tonight's lesson was about Truth.

Why did Jesus come into the World? According to his own words in John 18:37 - "To testify to the Truth".

Truth is important - I see it so often in the world that people have lost focus on the fact that there is such a thing as truth, that it's real, concrete, and unchanging. People have gotten it into their minds that "well, that's true for you..."

It's important for believers to understand not only what they believe, but the truth behind it. Only then can we stand up for what we believe in a world that no longer believes in truth.

With that said, one of the key questions of tonight's lesson was: "Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?"

It's a profound question when you start to dig into it. And I thought it ties so well with what we learn in Thin Within. In fact, one of the key points connects faith with our actions and emotions: Our actions are the most reliable indicator of our beliefs.

Sound familiar? We talk about that in Thin Within. If we truly believe that God is our provision, our strength, our support - why do we go seeking other things to fill us up?

Our actions are out there for everyone else to see. If I want to be a witness to my unbelieving friends, my actions need to indicate that I believe what I believe is really real.

Love it when prayer works!

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 03:39:00 +0000

I don't know why this continues to surprise and amaze me....

Yesterday was a really discouraging day. I couldn't get much done at work between interruptions and (self inflicted) distractions. Had a lousy bike ride (only 3 miles!) and we turned around because it was just too windy.

I was praying last night and this morning that I really needed a better day. This morning I was praying to be productive - to get moving and get things done (I have stuff I've been trying to get done for 3 weeks or more still on my to do list!)

So, I looked at my calendar when I got to work and the morning was filled with meetings but my afternoon was wide open. I turned my IM to "Do not Disturb" and blocked out my afternoon calendar so no one could schedule meetings.

One of my morning meetings was a 2 hour meeting covering what I thought would be training for a process I don't understand well (it frustrates A LOT of us, but we have to do it at least monthly). Then I got the confirmation and it turned out to be a "You'd better be prepared or you're going to be publicly humiliated" meeting. Ugh. Soooooo not prepared!

Well, we got to the meeting and someone had volunteered to be first on the chopping block. They went over her projects and she started to describe how she came up with her data. They cut her off, but her very brief description set off a light bulb in my head... "That's how she's coming up with that??? Oh my gosh! That's EASY!"

I had a chance to ask a couple of questions in the meeting and they started to bring up my projects - I told them not to bother, I knew they were a mess and miraculously they bypassed them, decided not to continue the public flogging and just opened up the rest of the meeting to questions - and finished almost an hour early! (Also a miracle, as some of these people really like to hear themselves talk!)

I was really charged up - "I GET IT!!!!" So I ran out to the food court to get my lunch (even passing up a lunch invitation, which I never do - my friends are now worried about me). I ate my salad at my desk - stopping when satisfied and throwing away the bulk of it, not wanting to nibble absent-mindedly while I was working (Miracle #3). And I got to work - organized my open work orders, figured out the spreadsheet and added all of my data - actually confident in what I was adding (usually I'm making it up). Finished that and went on to the next step - setting up the POs, which usually takes me forever because it's another process I don't understand well. Well, I got the spreadsheet and all my open POs done before I left for the day (except one which needed to be changed - I had to send it back to the vendor).

Keep in mind that I had blocked all my free time from today through next Wednesday to get this done, and I got it all done this afternoon!!! And I understood what I was doing!!! And I know what needs to be done next!!!

All of this was a total answer to prayer! This financial stuff usually leaves me close to tears in frustration because we've had no training and usually just find out what we need to do when we get yelled at for not doing it. So having the right pieces of information, getting the work done, and doing it quickly was HUGE!!!

And I left work today going "Thank you Lord!! Thank you Lord!!!" That was sooo totally an answer to my "Please make me productive today" prayer!!!

I'm amazed at my amazement - why don't I get it by now that He wants to help???

Quick update

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 04:11:00 +0000

Oh, by the way.... I had my repeat mammogram & ultrasound today and everything came out fine. Thanks for the prayers. I expected it would all be fine but it was still a little nerve-wracking!

Battle of the breadstick

melcorbin@gmail.com (Mel-) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 14:54:00 +0000

I went to lunch yesterday with my friend George. I haven't seen him for awhile, and the fires in CA last week got pretty darn close to his house (he was 2 blocks away from being evacuated!) so I was looking forward to catching up.

We ordered our lunch and sat around chit-chatting. Lunch arrived and I enjoyed my chicken wrap (which I had never tried before and it was quite tasty). I ate half, put the other half aside to take home, and sat there quite proud of myself for not nibbling at it.

But I realized as we were chatting that I was keeping very close watch over George's breadsticks. There was one that was just piled with cheese and herbs and I kept thinking about how that bite just there at the end would be really really good.....

And it was clear that he wasn't going to eat them.....

And all I really wanted was a bite.....

Just that one bite - that one, right there, with all the cheese and the herbs on it.....

When we packed up our leftovers to go, he didn't pack up the breadsticks. He didn't want them - it wouldn't bother him at all if I asked for a bite.....

But I'm serious about this. I was satisfied with my sandwich and did not need any more food. And I wasn't going to give in over a breadstick. It felt good not to let the breadstick win.

Later that evening I was out to dinner with another friend (I eat out way too much). And I had the same battle all over again. I was satisfied, not full, but I wanted more. Wanted, not Needed.

I won that battle too - but I'm not seeking God's help for these battles - and it would be sooo much easier if I would! I need to remember that I have the God of the Universe standing alongside me, ready to do battle for me, if I would just ask. And that's a pretty darn comforting realization!

Thank you Lord for being willing to do battle for me - even over something as silly as a breadstick. Thank you for wanting me to choose you. It's so wonderful to realize you care that much. Lord I don't want to squander that. I want you to win this battle. Help me to remember to turn to you much earlier - that I don't have to fight so hard, that you will fight with me and for me. Help me to remember to use your strength and your provision when I need it most. And thank you for that too!